My Turn

Alright Robot, this one is for you.

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song OR movie you remind me of.
3. I'll challenge you to do one thing.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (well i'll TRY)
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something about you (that you HAVE to answer)
8. I'll tell you my favorite thing about you.
9. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you.
10. I'll tell you my favorite memory about you.

1. You had an invention as a youngster where you hook a tube up to a sink with hot water, and it heats up your toilet seat. Oh, and also when you were little you were on the back of a childrens book about an american indian and you were in your cub scout uniform....To this day I wonder if she knew you weren't Indian. You are very 'racially vague'.

2. Song, anything by Cake. Movie, Labyrinth, which still scares the shit out of me.

3. Punch me one more time.

4. Two words....Scully doll.

5. We were too young...so I don't remember my first memory. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. I'd say, watching the Neverending Story at your house, or making those picture frames out of wine corks at cub scouts when your mom was the leader.

6. A sloth, don't ask me why, because I have no idea and it makes no sense.

7. Remember when we had to do all those chores when we lived by the Butterfields, and after two scoops with the shovel you said your back hurt and you went back in the house. Did it really?

8. Your sense of humor is the best, you say really awesome/sac-religious things that I can appreciate. You are better at trivia than I am with everything combined. You make me do things I immediately regret, but then can laugh about later (even though Heather takes the cake on that one, like the poo video and the pink zip-up snow suit).

9. You moved away.

10. As an adult you ate cheese at a YSA function and then we all went for a hike but you forgot you were lactose intolerant and I had to run down the hill with you, while you were making noises that people only make when they are giving birth, to find a bathroom and I couldn't stop laughing, and then you made me promise not to tell anyone but I told my mom, or she made me tell her because I was laughing randomly the next day, and then later that week we ate dinner at my parents house and my mom asked you if you 'could eat this' about everything on the table, and then you asked me if I told her and I lied and said no.


Who's next?

It seems like most of my posts are after midnight...I haven't been sleeping well lately, and I wish I could get to the bottom of it. I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. I can tell you without exaggeration that it's been years. Between the time I get in bed and finally slip away, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Maybe I could even call it soul searching. I really feel like I should be doing something else with myself. I don't even know what that something should be. I feel like I'm missing a lot, I just wish I knew where to go to find whatever it is I'm missing. I feel like I'm not supposed to be where I am. Like I'm stuck in a life that wasn't supposed to turn out the way it has, and I'm living every day getting farther and farther from whatever it should have been. I want all of you to think about this...What makes you happy? I mean truly happy. Not the fake kind of happy that you act out so everyone else around you will believe that what you're doing makes you happy. I know when I'm with my family, no matter where or how many of them, I'm happy. But I can't be with them all the time. I need to figure out my place. Where will I really find happiness? Can we be happy by ourselves? Or do we need someone else to attain that? Are we dependent on others to be happy? If that's true then I'm fucked. As much as I love my faith, I'm finding that so much of our happiness is centered around our families, and so much of that is finding someone to start a family with, and surrounding yourself with a family of your own making. There's kind of a black hole that people who don't find that right away can get lost in. As you can imagine, I'm feeling it's pull. There are many great things that someone of my age and social status can participate in that are focused on our faith. But to be brutally honest, if you don't enjoy going to dances in a church building, playing volleyball or sitting through board games, you don't have many options. I know it's not what most of my peers want to hear, but even at church, I'm miserable. I go to a singles ward, and loath it. Everyone telling me I need to get married, and who they think it should be. None of those people have any clue who I am, or what I like. They're just spitting out words they think I want to hear, and I laugh and nod my head and pat their shoulder like I'm glad they're telling me who they think I would get along with, as if I'd be interested in them yet somehow never thought about it before. I hate being fake, yet I've been making myself do it for years now. What about a family ward?? It's even worse...

Can you tell I'm bitter? LOL. I haven't even gotten warmed up yet. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant, and then gotten sick, and then feel ill every time you see the place again, or smell the food they served? I think that's the best way I can explain how I feel about dating right now. I'm just a lot more attracted to women outside of my own faith, even though a real relationship with them is basically out of the question. I've had just as many girlfriends that weren't associated with the church as I have had Mormon ones, but I've been surprised how accepting they've been, even though in the end, the church, or at least my dedication to my faith, was the reason it couldn't work out. But they were nothing short of perfect. They were beautiful, caring, honest, compassionate, respectful women. Don't get me wrong, Mormon women are too, but I've only been cheated on, lied to (even when they think I didn't know), told I wasn't good looking enough to actually marry, told they didn't think I was going to do anything with myself, told by their brothers I didn't deserve to be with their sisters, asked to lie to my own family...by people of my own faith. And that's just a shame. In fact, sometimes they almost make me believe that rubbish. Almost... I've even said it before. It's almost like my faith's belief in eternal marriage has created an unrealistic expectation for who they should pick to marry. When I find a girl that doesn't judge my every action, and loves me for who I am, and not who they want me to pretend to be, it's at that moment that I've found the love of my life. So here's to her, wherever she is.

So like usual, I feel better now that I've said that. Maybe I'll sleep just a little better tonight, and be just a little less emo when I wake up.

Please Read The Letter

Just a quick one this time. If you haven't had a chance to see the Storytellers with Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, do whatever you have to do to see it. It's absolutely amazing. Not just because Robert Plant is one of my all time hero's, or because Alison Krauss is one of the hottest 37 year old songwriters with the voice of an angel, but also because it's one of those few musical performances where you can actually feel the soul of it's performers reaching out to you. At least for me, it's one of those sounds that you can feel. Like it was made just for you. It's like a perfect mix of rock/blues/country/folk.

It's on CMT, or Palladia if you have HD. Or you can get their album, Raising Sand from their website www.robertplantalisonkrauss.com. Check them out on youtube if you're broke. You won't be sorry.