It seems like most of my posts are after midnight...I haven't been sleeping well lately, and I wish I could get to the bottom of it. I can't remember the last time I had a good nights sleep. I can tell you without exaggeration that it's been years. Between the time I get in bed and finally slip away, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Maybe I could even call it soul searching. I really feel like I should be doing something else with myself. I don't even know what that something should be. I feel like I'm missing a lot, I just wish I knew where to go to find whatever it is I'm missing. I feel like I'm not supposed to be where I am. Like I'm stuck in a life that wasn't supposed to turn out the way it has, and I'm living every day getting farther and farther from whatever it should have been. I want all of you to think about this...What makes you happy? I mean truly happy. Not the fake kind of happy that you act out so everyone else around you will believe that what you're doing makes you happy. I know when I'm with my family, no matter where or how many of them, I'm happy. But I can't be with them all the time. I need to figure out my place. Where will I really find happiness? Can we be happy by ourselves? Or do we need someone else to attain that? Are we dependent on others to be happy? If that's true then I'm fucked. As much as I love my faith, I'm finding that so much of our happiness is centered around our families, and so much of that is finding someone to start a family with, and surrounding yourself with a family of your own making. There's kind of a black hole that people who don't find that right away can get lost in. As you can imagine, I'm feeling it's pull. There are many great things that someone of my age and social status can participate in that are focused on our faith. But to be brutally honest, if you don't enjoy going to dances in a church building, playing volleyball or sitting through board games, you don't have many options. I know it's not what most of my peers want to hear, but even at church, I'm miserable. I go to a singles ward, and loath it. Everyone telling me I need to get married, and who they think it should be. None of those people have any clue who I am, or what I like. They're just spitting out words they think I want to hear, and I laugh and nod my head and pat their shoulder like I'm glad they're telling me who they think I would get along with, as if I'd be interested in them yet somehow never thought about it before. I hate being fake, yet I've been making myself do it for years now. What about a family ward?? It's even worse...

Can you tell I'm bitter? LOL. I haven't even gotten warmed up yet. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant, and then gotten sick, and then feel ill every time you see the place again, or smell the food they served? I think that's the best way I can explain how I feel about dating right now. I'm just a lot more attracted to women outside of my own faith, even though a real relationship with them is basically out of the question. I've had just as many girlfriends that weren't associated with the church as I have had Mormon ones, but I've been surprised how accepting they've been, even though in the end, the church, or at least my dedication to my faith, was the reason it couldn't work out. But they were nothing short of perfect. They were beautiful, caring, honest, compassionate, respectful women. Don't get me wrong, Mormon women are too, but I've only been cheated on, lied to (even when they think I didn't know), told I wasn't good looking enough to actually marry, told they didn't think I was going to do anything with myself, told by their brothers I didn't deserve to be with their sisters, asked to lie to my own family...by people of my own faith. And that's just a shame. In fact, sometimes they almost make me believe that rubbish. Almost... I've even said it before. It's almost like my faith's belief in eternal marriage has created an unrealistic expectation for who they should pick to marry. When I find a girl that doesn't judge my every action, and loves me for who I am, and not who they want me to pretend to be, it's at that moment that I've found the love of my life. So here's to her, wherever she is.

So like usual, I feel better now that I've said that. Maybe I'll sleep just a little better tonight, and be just a little less emo when I wake up.